I seem to have such a pessimistic view of the trajectory of most human connections. Whenever a new connection is forming, it is inevitable that you are going to encounter a topic or issue that creates genuine and intense emotional tension. You are going to face your first legitimate disagreement or argument with this new person.
What happens at this critical juncture? Do both people slow down and truly take the situation seriously and handle it like mature and emotionally aware adults? Often times, no. Heart rates rise. Voices get louder. Both sides say mean things they don't ultimately mean. They walk away from the encounter enraged, dissatisfied, unfulfilled, unheard, not seen. This childish ending to the argument can now set a precedent and create a long-term behavioral pattern that can become increasingly difficult to undo.
What happens the next time the same emotionally-charged topic comes up or something very similar? Both persons now have the negative emotional memory of how the previous argument felt. The mature thing to do is to discuss what happened last time and how it can be handled differently next time so the conclusion isn't as destructive. But, the mature thing is almost always difficult. It involves showing vulnerability and putting yourself out there and extending your hand across the abyss without knowing what the result will be. The much easier route is avoidance. The next time the previous-argument rears its head or is about to come to the foreground, both sides immediately choose avoidance or stonewalling.
What can occur over the long term (months, years) if this relationship continues? You start accumulating more and more topics that "need to be avoided" since both sides are unable to conclude and close out a disagreement in a empathetic, kind, and understanding manner. They instinctively know that the alternative to avoidance is emotional distress. Given those two choices, it's clear what the "better" choice ultimately is. You avoid, avoid, avoid, avoid, and avoid some more.
This inability to have arguments and disagreements in a healthy way has been my family dynamic for as long as I can remember. It has unfortunately affected my view of close human connection in general. I can't help but think to myself, what's the point? Soon enough I will run into a serious topic that we both feel strongly about and we are not going to be able to resolve it like adults. I don't trust myself to handle the situation in a mature way and I'm afraid of the other person and I don't trust them either. I've come to be increasingly afraid of other people due to the risk of emotional damage.
What a sad state of affairs. I feel so fucking alone.
At least I can find some comfort in Rilke's words:
If there is nothing you can share with other people, try to be close to Things; they will not abandon you; and the nights are still there, and the winds that move through the trees and across many lands; everything in the world of Things and animals is still filled with happening, which you can take part in.
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Hark Triton, hark! Bellow, bid our father the Sea King rise from the depths full foul in his fury! Black waves teeming with salt foam to smother this young mouth with pungent slime, to choke ye, engorging your organs til' ye turn blue and bloated with bilge and brine and can scream no more - only when he, crowned in cockle shells with slitherin' tentacle tail and steaming beard take up his fell be-finned arm, his coral-tine trident screeches banshee-like in the tempest and plunges right through yer gullet, bursting ye - a bulging bladder no more, but a blasted bloody film now and nothing for the harpies and the souls of dead sailors to peck and claw and feed upon only to be lapped up and swallowed by the infinite waters of the Dread Emperor himself - forgotten to any man, to any time, forgotten to any god or devil, forgotten even to the sea, for any stuff for part of Winslow, even any scantling of your soul is Winslow no more, but is now itself the sea!